Salty · sweet

2-ingredient peanut butter (vegan | gluten-free)


Today I overheard the word ‘penis’ bellowing prominently from the mouth of the dean of my university as I exited the classroom shortly after teaching my first lecture of the morning. At first I was like, wtf, with a mild fear of what I might stumble across when I walked into his office- luckily he and my fellow work mates had a bag containing at least 10kg of freshly roasted monkey nuts (fresh out of their microwave) presented to them on the polished mahogany table top.

My dean, whose mother tongue is Mandarin, was unsure of the English translation of this crunchy, commonly consumed legume, so my Chinese colleagues took it upon themselves to teach him the word ‘peanuts’. It just happened to be that they were unable to pronounce the ‘t’ clearly enough for the human ear to detect, and so ‘peanuts’ just became ‘penis’. Important lesson: never drop your T’s!


After it was clear that I was safely concealed from the depths of what lied beneath my dean’s underwear, I confidently entered the office and was immediately given a 1 kilogram portion of peanuts to take back home at my disposal. I’m not a big monkey nut eater unless I plan on getting wasted on numerous pints of beer, but peanut butter, bring that shit on! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, I’m all over it.


So without much ado, here’s the recipe…I would like to add that if the peanuts are freshly roasted, the blending process is a lot smoother as the oils have only just leeched out so it makes for a creamier mix.


Serving size:

12 servings


  • 450g roasted peanuts
  • Pinch of salt


  1. In a food processor, add the peanuts and salt and blend on a medium speed for 5 minutes, scraping down the sides every so often.

And hey presto, that’s it, you’re done. Get that bread out or those pancakes griddled- it’s peanut butter time (24/7).

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